Today was a rough day, since I seem to be getting that "emotional drop" more severely as time goes on. It was great to be out with people, last night, so being alone today left me feeling an odd kind of despair. I think it is because I get so little human contact, these days, while I am naturally an extroverted person. I may seem quiet and afraid of interacting with people, that is because I don't want to impose, despite loving being around people and talking to them or sharing physical contact with them.

I started thinking about how I felt about some of the people I was with and realized that I wanted to tell them how much those moments meant to me. While I can't actually tell them these things in our culture which is more comfortable with a punch to the face than a kind word and a hug (somehow, that is more "threatening"), I realized that I can still express these things and explore these emotions.

How? Well, I can write them a letter, knowing that I will never give it to them. Plus, since I know that it is more about them than for them, I can include any asides which come up when writing. It reminded me that I wanted to reach out to one of them to meet before outings, in the future, when I next get the chance.

Not only does this allow for an exercise in gratefulness, it also has the effect of slowing things down and being mindful. I can just be my thoughts, the pencil and the paper. There are no easy distractions.

After several minutes of this, I already started to feel calmer, warmer, and started to experience a form of emotional catharsis.

It also led to me realizing that much of what bothers me is a feeling as though everything I do is imposing on the world around me. I don't know how I came to think in those terms but I suspect it will take some time to unravel.

I need to continue down this path and see how this can play out. Maybe it is a key to feeling some form of human connection when those connections are no longer in our culture.

...Nights