One of the things which bothers me about myself is that I am still not very good and keeping my cool. It bothers me when someone says something which upsets me and I speak up to confront them.

I guess I think that resistance must be stated and that information must be shared... but this isn't the way. It is too much domination and not enough conversion.

I guess we are all like that. I just think that I am worse than most. Even most of those who are "better" only appear that way because they are doing something else. Not a bad way to be but wouldn't work for all of us.

I don't want to be like that. I want to be the person who calmly finds a way to conversion or coexistence, not playing this childish and tired hand of domination.

The odd thing is that, for whatever reason, sometimes I am that different person.

I keep thinking back to someone I talked to a few weeks ago. She said something about how she "fears men" and, instead of countering that speaking about people only as groups is not a good thing, I said something completely different. Maybe it was because of a pain in her eyes or the ethanol in my blood, but all I said is, "that sounds very sad", wearing a similarly pained expression. After all, I didn't feel anger, but sadness.

That is more the person I wish to be, far more often. I don't know how/why I did it then but it did stick with me.

In virtually every aspect of my life, I have always wanted that role: Not the soldier, but the sage.

...Nights