Last night's outing was reasonably good but I still felt that same unpleasantness in the back of my mind, dragging me down, which has become all too common. There is a general sense that I "don't belong" (not just socially, but within the shape and direction of the world - it isn't that I don't understand the mechanics, but that I think the direction is actively a bad idea).

On top of that, and likely very connected, is the feeling that I can't be comfortable and relaxed around people. In my mind, I am always walking on eggshells, trying not to upset, offend, and make anyone uncomfortable. No wonder I don't feel accepted when there isn't really any of me to accept. When I don't invade conversations, don't start talking to people, and generally try to avoid upsetting people with eye contact (or fail to smile when this does happen), what was I expecting?

The problem is that I don't think I can fix this and I also don't fully see the point. It seems like a lot of work and a massive amount of risk for ultimately no real reward. Dying sounds easier, if only it were.

...Nights