On the 23rd I went to the hospital - with catatonic symptoms again.

They kept me sleeping for a week with ativan. (one ativan makes me sleep within 15 minutes of taking it and I guess they took advantage of that) Took me off all my psych meds except one (trintellix) and then took me off the ativan.

So right now I am taking a heart pill, cholesterol pill and a pill for anxiety. That's it.

This was precipitated by the death of the Korey cat. I guess now this is my way of grieving big losses. Still not sure why this is happening though, or what catatonia actually is.

The doctor I saw at the hospital was sure I wasn't bipolar. She said I have some kind of "fake psychosis" and there is no treatment and it will get worse with menopause. But wait, if I'm not bipolar or schizoaffective as previously thought when I left the hospital last time - why is this catatonia happening to me? ugh. doctors with no answers annoy me.

I know I'm not really psycho, as when I hear voices they are usually people I know.

I most often hear my brothers, my cousin who is 2 months younger than me or my dad, sometimes my friends - like Jason Tutunzis mostly who I've known since the age of 12.

I'm sure this has to do with some mental trauma I have associating myself with Salvaterras. (My mom's family)

I have always asserted that I'm not a Salvaterra (my mom's maiden name means Earthsaver in Italian - god help us)

I have a cousin who has asserted she hates me more than once growing up - this Christmas she asked for our address so she could send my mom a card, we gave it but then she broke into my computer with whatsapp and the address somehow so we revoked the use of our address from her. Damn. It's like a need a restraining order - good thing she lives in Edmonton now.

Anyway, that's it for now.