Today is another day where I was feeling down and wasn't getting much done. Well, I got some OP work and did some cooking but I was spending more time just doing nothing than I typically like.

Part of the problem is a general issue with not feeling a sense of connection to people or my environment. No matter what I do in my life, nothing will matter and I am completely controlled by external actors forcing their will onto me. I have no real input into how my life functions as an increasing number of aspects of it require some kind of "permission" from a distant, and indifferent (if not downright hostile), authority of some sort. I really thought the world was going in the other direction but I now see how hopelessly naive I was.

I thought the natural human drive was toward freedom but it turns out that it toward a kind of obedience. Adults playing at being toddlers... such a waste.

A lot of this comes from looking at the news, with various "if you like X, you are wrong and are soon going to be corrected" or "people are hating each other more than ever and that is a good thing". Hell, even the way discourse around this hopelessness plays out reminds me of how unlike humans I am and how doomed we all are.

No matter how ludicrous a question is, we act like it needs to be taken seriously, once asked, instead of disregarded. Then, the first proposed response is treated as some sort of null hypothesis to be applied if nothing else comes up (or does come up but isn't as simple as this). Shackles should not be fashion accessories.

On top of it all, is me with my general unpleasantness, powerlessness, and horrible distraction addiction. Of all the addictions I have, this is the only one I don't enjoy on any level.

I wish I had the strength to get out of here,
...Nights