Something I think about, from time to time, is how I don't really know what I am.

That is, I don't know if I am any good or of any value to my profession. Instinctively, I claim that I know what I am doing and how to do things, but I am not sure if that is true. Just because one may seem a madman does not mean they are a genius... They are usually just a madman.

It has been a long time since I have had a good conversation with someone of my order. People don't really like me or like talking to me, it would seem. They may just be busy, but that is just a question of priority and I must be very far down that list.

It is a shame since there is little I love more than a good technical conversation with someone who really seems to "get" it. Most people I meet who claim to be software developers are little more than "coders": People who just know how to write code but don't really understand what it does or why they are writing it. It is always disappointing when I meet someone like that. I am not sure if it is because I wished that they could be more, so we could have a great conversation or collaboration, or maybe because it reminds me that maybe I am not making sense and just cannot understand the sense they are making.

I just want to do interesting things, talk to interesting people, and be understood. I feel as though it has been a long time since I have known that in any consistent sense. I am not sure if the world became less interesting or if I did.

It is troubling all the time, when you want to do interesting things, but always fear that you may have lost the plot and are just a low-level madman of a sort.

This also makes it difficult for others to help me. They mean well but they don't seem to understand what I value and what gives my life meaning.

Sometimes, I am not sure I know, either,
...Nights