I went for a walk, this afternoon, just around the block and park. First of all, I noticed a depiction of Eva Unit 01 in some graffiti not even a block from my building, which was surprising. Beyond that, however, I was trying to focus on my thoughts and my posture.

I notice that I often look at the ground when walking. Not exclusively, of course, but I generally tend to keep my gaze cast down. So, today I tried to keep my eyes level or up. Maybe that is why I saw the graffiti, as it was on the second floor of a building. I also noticed a wasp nest in the park which must have been there for some time, as it was also high in a tree.

I also tend to walk around with a sort of permanent scowl on my face. Today, I tried to maintain a relaxed and neutral expression (ideally, warm and smiling easily but you have to crawl before you can run).

I generally tried to think in terms of what I remember hearing once about mediation: Try to clear your mind, but not by force. When you notice a thought enter your mind, acknowledge it and set it aside. You cannot keep your mind empty but you do want to be in control of it.

While walking, I was trying to keep my thoughts moving or positive and I quickly came to realize how quickly my thoughts jump to unpleasant things. Things I wish could be different within the world, things which frustrate me about human patterns, things which irritate me about my immediate surroundings... When I found these ideas in my thoughts, I would set them aside and try to calm myself. I quickly came to wonder why that seems to be all I naturally think about.

It is a problem to think these things because I can't do anything about them and they are not interesting to me in the slightest. They also infect my mind, driving me to such a negative place. I don't want to be like this. I want my thoughts to be around actions I can actually take or memories and dreams I actually have. I want to control my thoughts in these ways, not just becoming a vessel for such negativity which either has nothing to do with me or isn't interesting enough to contemplate.

Going forward, I would like to continue this to see if I can better understand these patterns of my thought and take some control over their direction.

Additionally, I need to stop indulging in "gazing into the abyss" by watching/reading any of the madness of this world, including the counterpoint to the madness. None of this helps and it keeps the madness in my mind. No wonder I so quickly get caught up in the currents, even if I don't have any direct connection to these ideas.

I have also been trying to think about what I actually like doing. A surprising thing which came to mind (possibly because some people I know have told me that they think I am good at it) is creative writing. I actually like the process of taking a feeling, converting it into an idea, building it into a world, crafting its story within said world, and then weaving the story into language. So, I should do that more often, even if just casually jotting down disconnected thoughts on scraps of paper. If nothing else, it will be an exercise in coherent thinking.

Probably the most difficult idea is knowing that I need to start actually acting in ways I want to see: Being warm to those around me, and more easily drifting into the pleasant dreams of those interactions, trusting that I am no danger to others and most of them will be no danger to me. After all, I know that I need to create that world I want to see and I have been shirking that responsibility for too many years.

Maintaining this probably won't come naturally, but I think it should be doable.

...Nights