It is strange to exist in the modern world but still remember the past. It is starting to make me wonder if my memories are real or if I was just put here recently and my memories are fake.

I remember liking to get out and see people but now it is more something I do because it is better than nothing, but not exactly something I like. I feel scared, generally worried, and altogether uncomfortable in my own skin, the whole time. Don't get me wrong: I still look forward to it but I am also always worried.

I remember that I used to be good at my job and worked on interesting challenges with interesting and talented people but I don't have a job, nor are there actually interesting problems to solve. I am not sure if there are people with similar talents out there but it has been a long time since I have met any (were they faked in the memory, too?). What is worse is that modern culture and media like to remind me that it would be impossible for me to have been good at my job, for various reasons which seem more like propaganda than reality, but that is all the news we have so maybe the problem is me (and maybe the memory is false).

I remember that, though I tended to not be a very happy person, I did have a sort of optimism about the future, and it seemed like most other people had even more. Now, it is hard to find someone who is truly optimistic about the future beyond maybe those who are looking forward to "settling scores" against whatever "other" has become their obsession.

I really just need to get better at ignoring the world and just bury myself in work on my current projects. If the world hates me and I don't want to live in it, let me at least get lost in a larger domain with only small roots in reality.

If only I could shake this addiction to distraction. It could be worse: I could be one of those junkies who buries their faces in screens even when outside of the home. Still, I would rather build or play than watch,
...Nights