The mental poisons at work on me for these past several years seem to have metastasized into seemingly unbreakable barriers in my mind. I realized, a few weeks ago, that I now cannot initiate basic conversations with some kinds of people, even in explicitly social situations.

I know, on a cognitive level, that this is irrational but my mind paints pictures of their hatred and fear of me whenever I think about opening my mouth. I must remain coldly inhuman as to not cause what I have been programmed to believe is some kind of malicious offence. I know it doesn't make sense, but a programmed human mind never does.

The nice thing is that this problem basically vanishes if they start talking to me. And I mean talking, specifically, not just looking at me or smiling or anything else which normal humans interpret as trivial warmth.

So, I need to keep hold of those few connections I have as new ones are becoming harder to find, due to the nature of the world, the nature of time, and this disability which has been forced into my mind.

I vaguely recall being human, back in some dusty and half-forgotten memory. Of course, the current world is trying to convince me that these memories are the fabrications of a dangerous and ugly mind.

I don't think I am a monster, nor have I ever been one, but our world is based on constructed narratives so it isn't like actual reality even matters, assuming it truly existed.

I can't even imagine being able to snap out of this, by now,
...Nights