Last night was mostly pretty good until... something odd happened.

For some reason, something largely innocuous (sure, it is something which annoys me, but not in any big way) caused me to suddenly shift into a strangely angry mode where I began ranting about various things and being so irritable that everything around me drew and angry response from me.

Now, to be clear, this is me so angry is never "violent", but I can still be a real jerk, acting volatile and generally mean to people.

The odd thing is that, when I woke up today, I felt terrible about it, having no idea why I was acting like that. Sure, I was quite drunk, and that does make people emotionally volatile, but I don't know why this bothered me so much. I have no idea what is wrong with me.

I remember that something like this happened before, probably about 15 years ago, and it similarly shocked and worried me.

There are a few similarities between my life states at both points in time, but they are still quite different. At that point, I was still living through a chain of toxic or somehow unpleasant relationships. At this point, I feel generally useless and specifically powerless against the systems building walls around me.

Most importantly, however, I need to find a way to control or, even better, resolve this unpleasant state.

I guess I am back to a question I have wondered about before: Is it possible to program one's less controlled aspects to naturally act with desirable tendencies?

Minimally, I need to get into the habit of seeding my mind with the right assumptions more often. A positive outlook would potentially inspire positive tendencies.

Still, things like this really worry me,
...Nights