Since it has been warmer, I have been trying to get out of the apartment, both for exercise but also in search of a sense of "humanization". However, I have been having some difficulties with the latter.

Today, I was again reminded that the only strangers who will ever talk to me are those who want personal or financial information, or just money: Those pushy and questionable charity people. It bothers me to go outside hoping to find a sense of connection with humanity, if only on a passive level (since I know people don't talk to me), and then to be reminded that all I am is a resource to be exploited. I thought sitting at home and watching the world decay through the lens of the internet was bad but I am starting to realize that this is worse.

Further, I am increasingly being reminded that we are descending further into a dark age of becoming "managed" instead of being individually effective and responsible by the increasing shift of companies to refusing cash (I don't know how this is legal, but it is trendy and that trumps all logic and philosophy in our era). It is yet another thing reminding me that I am at the end of my life.

I fit well enough for a while and was good at what I needed to do but that era ended a little while ago. It is sad that I got to live through a local maximum, then got to see the start of the dark age, but know that I couldn't possibly live to see us come out of it (assuming it has an end).

There is so much that I miss about what we once were. Most of all, I think, is getting to have interesting technical conversations. I am not sure that there was anything else which quite invigorated me or reminded me of what makes me feel strong and effective as those times. Plus, I actually have some matters I would like to discuss.

I need to find a way to put my mind back into one of those more useful states that I may still be able to go on. I am not sure why it matters but maybe it matters to other people,
...Nights