I think it was this past winter when I came to the realization that the status quo of my life cannot continue for much longer. I remember thinking that it would need some kind of infusion of meaning in order to persist beyond another year.

Well... we are probably more than half-way to that point and I still don't see any shift on the horizon.

Now, the most obvious interpretation of that is in terms of my own failure. I have essentially been just sort of "hoping" that those things upsetting me would somehow stop. I am not sure how I managed to sink so far into this sense of powerlessness. I was thinking about that while on a walk, today, that I seem to be suffering from a kind of learned helplessness. I have so thoroughly given up on life that I am essentially unwilling to do... anything which might improve my environment. It is as though I am jealously guarding the few vestiges of order that my natural tendency toward chaos won't unsettle them... despite them not being sufficient to sustain me.

This is odd since it is such a passive form of powerlessness and surrender at a time when I do technically have the ability to "rage against the dying of the light", as it were. After all, when you feel as though you have nothing to lose, you have infinite freedom.

Now, where did I leave my sense of agency?
...Nights