"When you stand before God, you cannot say, 'But I was told by others to do thus.' Or that, 'Virtue was not convenient at the time.' This will not suffice. Remember that."

-- King Baldwin IV (Kingdom of Heaven)

A great line from a great scene in a very good movie. A line... which haunts me. It reminds me of a time when I clearly did something against what I knew was right for me, and my only defence is "I was told by others to do thus".

Maybe I was afraid of "breaking the rules", but the rules were illegitimate and, in causing me to go against my own principles, came to violate my definition of morality.

Whatever it is, it was a failure and it bothers me. She said that she wanted to see me "as soon as possible" and I said that maybe we could meet when the pandemic calmed down. Once I finally lifted my head from the sand, she had moved to another city. We are unlikely to meet again. Even if we did, my shame would cast a pall upon the meeting. I failed an acquaintance and a lover and, in doing so, violated my own sense of right and wrong.

I am sure that it wasn't so meaningful to her and I am being more melodramatic than makes sense but still.... I am disappointed with myself. I fear that I am not as sure-footed and upright as I would have liked to believe.

Sure, other situations with others are not like this: We don't meet since there is nothing to do, no mutually-convenient time, etc. This was an odd one in that I failed to do something which I think I should have done, and perhaps I was called to, only because "virtue was not convenient at the time".

There are few tests of character in this meaningless life (and an infantile culture full of those stuck in a false field of stage 3 moral development) so it is doubly upsetting when one fails even a small one,
...Nights