Among the various unpleasant thoughts which dance through my mind on days of endorphin drop is one about wondering if I have hurt people, in the past. I also fear if I am hurting people, in the present, but I have so few interactions, these days, that my only fear is that I am not living up to the expectations of a few people, in some specific ways I can't see. The past is... different.

When thinking back about 20 years, I am burdened by the knowledge of times I wasn't caring enough to those near me or times when I don't think I did enough to maintain connections. It is tricky to fully remember since that was a long time ago, there are gaps in my knowledge, my world ran at a much higher speed, and I wasn't as sensitive to these concerns as I like to think I am, today.

I know that there are a few instances of people people dropping communication with me, only for me to much later hear that they had been upset that I had sone the same to them. I am not sure how such a contradiction can exist so this has always confused and worried me: Was I the one who dropped the ball in these cases, and didn't even notice? Of course, there are also cases where I just treated people poorly when I was stuck in an unpleasant emotional spot. I guess that is a more universal experience and I don't think I have done anything like that in quite some time (both due to lack of opportunity but also growing more connected to principles over needs).

I don't know if these fears are real or if I am just writing them into the gaps when in down moments.

Unfortunately, I don't think that there is much I can do to understand this or make amends for any past slights, by this point,
...Nights