"You've got to want this life. You've gotta want it all the way to your bones. If you don't, it can be absolute hell on earth."

My dad is watching Yellowstone and that quote just came up. I had to look it up to make sure I heard right.

The past month has been much of a blur. 12 days into my last med withdrawal I started being unable to sleep for just 2 days and it caused a mixed episode (I've been doing this 3 months now, I think I will take a break until the new year but it's good I halved the dose I was on in July with little issue) At this point, I don't know if it's the chicken or the egg. Did not sleeping cause it or was I not sleeping because of it? I know I had a day or so where I was hearing voices of my oldest brother, my cousins, my niece and her baby. This isn't new except that, I started hearing Vanessa and Myla. It kinda freaked me out because I thought Vanessa was dead or dying, meanwhile Myla had started toddler gymnastics and Vanessa posted a video that facebook made green/yellow-tinged for some reason.

Looking back on that now is strange.

But anyway it was nice to see Myla the other day. She knows who I am, when she had a ball in her hand and someone said "Show Zia (Zia means aunt) Daniela" she ran to me and yelled happily "look! ball!" That was pretty surprising considering I've seen her far less than any other kid in our family when they were younger. I said to my mom that it's possibly because I'm in a wheelchair but then rethought that. I have 3 pictures holding Myla and nobody else has more except for my nephew and his wife and her parents.