I feel like I have recently realized how far I am from who I was several years ago, and not in a good way. Instead of advancing into a more complete version of that person, I am the husk left over of that person when all the interesting or useful bits have been stripped away.

Much of this realization is probably due to Evangelion, actually. The reminder of one of the big themes through the show being a need to understand purpose and identity is something I feel like I used to think about often, but now I just lament that the world isn't something I like, I have no place in it, and the walls are always closing in.

It kind of reminds me that I need to find a way to stop letting those things influence me quite as much. Sure, the world is terrible but confidently engaging with it anyway at least allows _something_ to happen.

After all, this surrendering to the absurd isn't getting my anything and is little more than a form of philosophical suicide when I don't have sufficient violent capacity to perform actual suicide.

I need to get back onto that path of existentialism and return to trying to understand myself and my meaning.

I must find a way to experience a kind of pleasure in the constant revolt against what the world tells me I am by constantly asserting who I actually am. Sure, I could lose the last remaining parts of the world I can access but those are shrinking, anyway, and I already feel like merely a shadow in those places. Would exile be much worse?

Time to start pushing that rock,
...Nights